I am sitting on the edge of the terrace, legs dangling in the air. 31-storey up. 3am. Holding a partially filled coffee mug in one hand, my broken heart in the other.
WHY..?! WHY DID YOU RETURN IT?
WASN’T I LOVING? WASN’T I LOYAL?
Ohh! I wasn’t ‘him’.. Yeah?
I’m not crying. No. These tears? Perhaps my eyes are.
Whatever it may be, I can’t feel a single teardrop of the supposedly many. Guess my neurons are preoccupied in catering to the greatest pain I, or any animate object, could ever experience.
I tighten my grip over the glass tumbler, as if it were ‘his’ throat, trying to vent out all the frustration multiplying in me.
The mug shatters, spilling the leftover coffee on my lap.
There..! You were the only one who never left my side. And today, when I was hoping of spending my last few minutes with you, you too join ‘everyone’?
Probably it is signalling me to do the same. To break through the confines of this enclosed world. To let myself loose in the entirety of unknown. To decipher what’s beyond this.
So, I now finally jump. I push myself off, kicking the edge using my toes to swaddle into the nothingness.
I’m falling. Facing those beautiful stars. Those, which never failed to wow and, eventually, riddle me.
I’m coming to You all.
But the Air seems terrified. Trying, in vain, to clutch to even the very end of every strand of my hair.
As if attempting to pull me back up.
As if trying to stop me from what I’m doing.
As if… as if it cares about me.
As if I still have unexplored reasons to live on.
But.. as if I now have time left to change my mind.
I close my eyes, erasing the thoughts of regret, if any.
I’m almost down. I now feel at peace. This fall is so soothing. I never want it to end.
Only IF it was possible!
I hit the ground. The sound says it was a very hard fall, but my senses contradict. I feel numb. Unable to feel everything. I open my eyes. Those stars are still there, up in the night sky. And that means, I’m alive, still stuck in THIS WORLD!?
But logically it isn’t possible, right?
Falling from the 31st floor and still breathe in oxygen?
I’m perspiring profusely. I stand up. Not Even A Single Scratch!?
WHY AM I STILL ALIVE!?
I scream. Scream my lungs out. Scream to the nothing.
WHY! WHY DON’T YOU ALLOW ME TO QUIT? TO PUT A FULL STOP TO ALL THIS NONSENSE?!! WHHYYY…..!!!
I fall to my knees. Crying, this time. My life, it’s so messed up. And when I try to release myself, I just CAN’T?!
Exactly then, a breeze of cool air hits me, ruffling my hair, drying a bit of my perspiration. It’s blowing for an unusually long span of time. But it feels eccentric. I feel like it just entered my ears, making it’s way to my messy mind. I get goosebumps.
It’s not just another breeze!
It is Peace! It is Hope! It is Enlightenment!
It is.. LIFE!!
I pull out my phone from the jacket’s pocket. Yes, it too survived the unsurvivable. As soon as I press the lock button on the side, a picture of my family makes way to my retina. My mom, who endured every pain with a smile. My dad, who worked overtime to earn extra in order to fulfil my every single wish. My elder brother, who is now well off, and is looking after my parents. I stare at it for long. Another tear streams down.
What Was I About To Do To Myself.. To Them?!!
I enter the password to unlock the screen. 18 missed calls. My Friends!
Another teardrop pulled down by gravity.
I realise, to bring my life back on track, I have to find something that makes me feel alive. And the fact that I’m still breathing alone shows there’s time to find it.
I again pull myself up, and together. And start walking home with a determined smile.
As soon as I reach home, I open my laptop and type a resignation letter.
I’m not exhausted at all. In fact, I’m energised. After emailing the letter, I press the Play button on my Bluetooth speakers, prepare myself another mug of black coffee. I sit next to the window, and pull out another canvas board from the stack.
Yes, I love to paint. A blank canvas in front of me makes me feel something extraordinary. Like I’ve broken through the confines of this enclosed world and let myself loose in the entirety of unknown.
I have a theme in mind – The Breeze of my Life!